30--yes really

this past sunday i turned 30. a milestone and an opening of a new era. reflection of the past 30 years brings tears, joy, pain, moments of stupidity. i am glad for the most part. for what, thats still to be determined. reflections of the past brings light into how to live in the present and the future. what do i want? what can i expect and how are better choices to be made? i actually scoffed after i wrote that. the thing is when it is your time to make the choice you have no idea really as to whether its the right or wrong one. you can predict what type of outcome will result but ultimetly you have no idea if its correct.  
i always feel lost. not spiritually but emotionally. containing my emotions is hard. i feel so many things, lots of times i keep them to myself. for me defining the line between whats real and not is complicated. peoples actions and what they say often confuse me. listen people how am i supposed to know whether or not what u say is real. when u go off and do something totally different. u confuse me..and then i cant trust what u say.i want to scream at you ..hit u.but then my heart warms up with the thought of your gentle touch. its just that so confusing to me. a bit psychotic why yes.. all that know me-- know me. moments i feel the fire burn deep inside. its so real and so intense. but then i shake my head push it all back down and come back to reality. these are just words. some are feelings others not so much. ill  still laugh and enjoy life. always wondering who will encounter that darker side. no one will. well maybe one and he thinks im one of a kind.

waiting

I feel lost and afraid to move in the direction which  seems the scariest. How do you move in the dark? Why is it dark? Everywhere you look you should be able to see light or a form of it. I don't and i feel as if i am constantly stubbing my toe. The past few days i have read some stories that help me know that i too can do it, that is live, and make it through. I think toes are there to stub. its one of those body parts that you forget are there until you hurt it. The nerve ending shoots all the way up your leg right to the central pain center in your brain. And what was the point, only to remind you that they are still there.
Life seems constant, and sometimes i feel unaware that i am even living. When i am reminded it seems as if  some great event happened.
For the past few weeks i heard a great question asked. It was if you could relive one moment in your life, what would it be? After thinking, and i mean really thinking, it would be the moment i first held my son. A wave of unconditional love overtook every corner of my being. If i wasn't sure that goodness existed before that moment i was totally convinced after. I remember holding him, laughing and crying. My soul burst into a moment of perfect happiness. After thinking about that moment i realized its how despite the unbearable miserable agony and pain that we endure for 9 months and labor, it is my own personal undeniably perfect accomplishment.
I've tried so many times to journal my pregnancy experience. But i can never find the words or perfect detailing to get across what it was i was feeling. All i want more than anything is to write down the story of my journey. But it never happens. Is it because i am not emotionally connected to my own self and story. Why can't i find the adjective to describe it all? It's annoying.
As i am about how this blog is even going. I need to learn to channel my thoughts into a cohesive piece of writing. I've got the talent i just need the bloody tool.

Rise Again

I've placed my heart high up on a shelf, out of my own reach.
I'll Tears down the walls and cry myself to sleep.
Alas, I feel my heart slowly beating as if it were to stop.
But this is only a feeling, one not shared and forever locked.
O boy what is it you have done?
You've taken away my smile and blotted out the sun.
Smile, and laugh all plans i'll soon have to make
My heart is something i will not allow you to take.

Rise Again, Rise Again, I feel myself grow--
I feel my heart beat again and that's something you shall know

bored

this past week eventful. so many emotions. earlier this week a pivitol aha moment followed by frustration and what i am guessing was a bad mistake. but somehow things are smoothing themselves out. but he said all the right things and i knew it was a lie i even called him out on it but i still did what i knew was wrong. so ill wake up lonely yet again go through my day wondering when that will change if ever..its all bull shit really..im tired

moments

Over the past week or so i have had some defining moments, all internal. I'm not sure what triggered my thinking and my revelation, I'm not even sure what they are, but somehow i feel a stirring within myself. An awakening. For some reason i feel triumphant, for what I'm not sure, possibly surviving difficult times perhaps recognizing self worth. I just feel as though i can move on in life, that I'm not stuck anymore. I think i have decided that i am sick of back pedaling. I'm ready to make a move in life, for myself and for the one i am carrying. Thinking you are a  victim makes you one, it makes you helpless and vulnerable. those are qualities i no longer wish to harbor.
I went on a date Monday with a fellow i thought was potential well everything. I brought my son along. Which proved to be challenging on so many levels. My boy decided to be extra autistic that night, more than usual. Repeating himself and completely fixated on Halo. He also decided to play with the ice from his cup on the table. Along with the sprawling out on the restaurant floor. It was difficult so much that a actually wanted to cry on my date. After i got home i did. I was angry. Angry at my situation, at the people in my life. I remember feeling like i didn't deserve this that none of it was fair and that everyone who was in my life had no true responsibilities that they could walk out whenever they wanted. i couldn't and i can't. So what do i do? Do i cave in to the defeat? I can't and i won't. Not only for myself but for the one who actually solely counts on me for survival. Just looking at that statement is challenging in itself. How does one not give in but triumph? And can you even recognize when you have come to a victory?
I want to live, not lavishly but fully. I want to say that my life is full and satisfying. Many people do not even realize that this is a main reason for living. Some will say its to succeed and some will say its for God. Success comes and goes. Its such a delicate thing. Always treading lightly in case you tip the scale.
And then there's God. Living for God. Some believe he put you here for him. Its a good theory but realistically what do you have that can even compare to his Glory. There is absolutely nothing you as a human can do that will impress him, nothing. He created YOU. Please i am not saying i don't love him or believe in him. i just think he wants something truly meaningful to each of us. Not to be weighed down by rules and regulations made by religion but to experience life. To find joy and meaning and a utmost satisfaction.  I love God and his creation. So my search now is for fulfillment not in measures of how good my job is. but a deep intense life satisfaction. When God created the world after each days he looked at it and said it was good and rested. i think there is a lesson in this. to take our daily activities and do something each day we are proud of rest reflect on it and prepare for the next day. It can be anything, from taking a few extra moments in a day making someone feel special or self improvement. I haven't really figured  it out. But i think if i ask God for a special daily task i think he will provide. This type of thing is scary but i do not intend for it to be that way. Do not make it a point to have a quota, just live and let life bring you what it needs.

a place to excpress myself

the blog. a modern day diary, that you can either keep to yourself or let others share in what you feel like expressing for that day. Ingenious, really, ten years ago can you imagine that we people would even consider sharing our lives with countless others? 
I am naturally voyeuristic so its like a fantasy come true.
i welcome all comments, debates or suggestions on life improvement. i am ready to explore new possibilities of all aspects and dimensions life has to offer. I truly believe that we are put here on earth to experience all facets of pleasure in a non self destructive way. i think its important for us to learn who we are, what makes us, i believe we need to push ourselves to every limit so that we can know what our breaking point is so that A. if we get there we can know that we can b. survive and c. how to manage ourselves so that we don't ever have to get there again.
I have a son, whom i love and allows me to strive for joy. Some days are more challenging than others, well a lot of days are more challenging than the next. [deep sigh at the thought of this]
I just want someone who is wise to help lead me become wise. i wanted to erase that statement but this blog will be a free association one. It was a brief moment that i took.